Tag Archives: yosemite

Because, America

9 Mar

During the late 17th century – when America was just a primordial soup of ambition, industry, and socially accepted racism – the taverns and speakeasies were where merchants, craftsmen, and lawmakers could mingle and get hammered together in one, democratized, place of libations and liberation. Why? Many say because the water was so bad they could only drink beer and whiskey. I say … because, America. Why else would you get day-drunk, debate politics with America’s elite, and then go home and sleep on a straw mattress in a chastity blanket?

Then what happened? This primordial soup of intangible elements became a Goddamn nation that spans an entire continent. And what did we do? We made a series of National Parks where we set aside massive tracts of land for the conservation and enjoyment of Americans, past, present, and future. All Americans. In every state. Every single one of us is a part owner of every National Park, which is like being born owning one piece of stock in a company that doesn’t make any money but has a nice office with a sweet view and free coffee. Why did we create this? Because, America. 

What’s the next step? You got it! An American-themed tavern inside the best of all the National Parks – Yosemite. This tavern will be called nothing other than AMERICA! Why? Because, America!

At AMERICA! not only will you find beer, cocktails, and spirits from the late 19th century, which will include their racist, anti-Semitic, and misogynistic labels, but there will also be Bald Eagles fucking, excessive amounts of bacon fat, and actual racism. Why? Because, America.

In addition, AMERICA! will feature the beliefs of recycling, decomposition, and conservation that were held by business owners during the late 19th century. Therefore, there will be no garbage bags or trashcans to stink up the place and get in your way. Nor will you be burdened with the confusing idea of “recycling.” Instead, you can feel free to litter the surrounding meadows of Yosemite National Park with all your trash. Freedom is imperative to America and, therefore, freeing yourself of any environmental responsibilities is imperative to AMERICA! Why? Because, America.

Also, at AMERICA! we won’t serve anyone if they aren’t wealthy, white, and good looking. No fatties allowed, unless you’re a totally awesome, rich, white dude like co-owner Guy Fierri who may or may not live in AMERICA! with his pet mountain lion, Susan. AMERICA! will also provide a plethora of televisions playing popular American sports so you may drink old drinks and yell at television screens with other like-minded men. Wealthy, attractive, and white women may be permitted inside AMERICA! but will not be allowed to form opinions unless otherwise granted permission to but never to be taken seriously. This can also be done on the grounds that they are doing it to be “cute.” Why? Because, America.

So enjoy the pristine shit in Yosemite Valley and then get rightfully hammered with your fellow American man at AMERICA! where you can shoot animals from the comfort of our own bar like a real red-blooded American is born with the right to do. We’ll supply the guns and ammo, you supply the balls. Why are we offering this pleasure? You guessed it. Because, America.

Now mount up, spit that tobacco juice out of your mouth, and haul your pickup truck into the High Sierras for some good old fashioned, American fun in the woods – no homo. Why Yosemite? Why not in a real city? Why so unnecessarily aggressive? Why now? 

Because, America.