Tag Archives: TED

Beavers! What Are They Good For? A TEDTalk

19 Mar

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Hi! Thanks for coming out to TEDxJackson Hole. How about those ski slopes? Pretty exciting. Well I’ll just get right into it.

Beavers! Man, those critters are something, aren’t they? They got giant teeth and they chew up all of one natural resource just to dam up another one like nature is some Ponzi scheme and hiking trails are their own version of Wall Street, am I right? That’s OK, just spitballin’ here.

And their fur, by God, have you worn a better hat than a beaver skin hat? My great-great-grandfather was a trapper in the Old West and when he wasn’t swilling whisky and punching women he wore a mighty beaver skin hat. I have it in my backpack. It smells like grass and bacteria.

But, all in all, what are beaver’s good for? What do they do for the human race? Many science-folk seem to think that beavers are a key part to our ecosystems, helping irrigation and creating stick piles to let us know when they’re around so we don’t get too scared like when you see a raccoon in the middle of the night and think it’s a gigantic cat or a small, fat, dog but then realize that it’s a creepy hybrid of both that has actually evolved thumbs. That shit’s terrifying.

Let’s take look at what a beaver does. Beaver’s build dams out of chewed up sticks that stop water from flowing. Why do they do that? No one really knows. Some scientists believe it’s because they have the mind of a child, constantly wanting to create the opposite of what’s happening so they can feel as though they have an effect on the world around them. Others believe it’s a reaction to the polar magnetic force and the alignment of the stars. If you look at a map of beaver dams, and a map of the stars, at some point there will be enough beaver dams and enough stars that at least one will line up. Coincidence? I think not.

Beavers also eat and mate, just like us humans. We already have enough problems to worry about our own natural resources and population issues, now we have beavers who are literally controlling our water, wood, and populating their species like they’re in an Irish-Catholic porno. They may not be able to speak human (English) but they definitely know how to speak Beaver (dialect of Canada). It’s easy to connect this to a worldwide conspiracy about how beavers are slowly controlling our natural resources to take over the world and drown us out, using genetic modification to enhance their paddle-tales to be used as both beaver-shield and beaver-weapon, but we don’t have to go there. I still have to pitch that idea to Hollywood.

All in all, beavers aren’t much good for anything and instituting an international beaver holocaust may be the best thing mankind could invent, next to the wheel and Pop Tarts. By doing so we’ll not only get back our plentiful natural resources, but also pre-emptively kill off a species that could become dominant within the next fifty years if my calculations are correct, and they always are.

So, in conclusion, beavers! What are they good for?

Nothing.