Tag Archives: starbucks

Nine Ways To Hit On Your Starbucks Barista

9 Mar
  1. Give her your business card. In this modern age networking is quickly becoming flirting and if she can’t get behind that then she shouldn’t be working at a coffee shop.
  2. “I love you. Will you marry me? No? OK I’ll have a grande, non-fat, latte with a pump of caramel … It’s a man’s drink, but you wouldn’t know, would you?”
  3. Take forever to order while saying “um” and “uh” for long periods of time. Then finally order a medium, hot coffee with nothing in it. Don’t make eye contact but when you hand her your cash, gracefully touch her hand, look up, and begin crying. This will work if you’re Ryan Gosling.
  4. Be Ryan Gosling.
  5.  “Hi. I’m ___. I feel like I’m being too forward but you seem kinda cool and I really want to get to know you more. Want to grab a cup of coffee when your shift is over? I have a nine inch penis.”
  6. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed but all my lattes are fat-free. I’m fat-free. Want some fat-free DNA?”
  7. Use ordering vocabulary as a way to make remarks about love, dating, and existentialism, such as…
    1. Can I get a latte … a latte love from you?
    2. I would like a venti, non-fat, mocha, whip, frappucinno and the key to getting into your chinos. Hi, I’m ____.
    3. I would love to eat your protein box, if you know what I mean (then wink several times so you know that they know what you mean).
  8. “… And that’s the story of the time that I saved a puppy, a kitty, and a small African boy from a burning building. What am I here for? Coffee? Oh no, that’s right … your heart. “
  9.  “Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I like to gaze out on this beautiful world through my bedroom window and just let the early morning rays fall gently upon my genitals, as if they’re being held in the warm palm of God himself. Do you like it when God cups your genitals? I’ll have a grande iced coffee.”

Coffee Shop Culture: What You Order

7 Feb


Brands say more about the consumer than they do about the company. We align ourselves with names of products that are all, essentially, the same so that we can simultaneously express our individuality while also conforming to a larger group. We want to find people who are unique as us, while still feeling like we’re one of a kind.

Thus, we pledge allegiance to names and images pasted on the sides of inanimate objects. Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts. Pepsi or Coke. Apple or Gateway Microsoft.

Every company has carefully constructed an image or a persona that that goes along with the product they create. Think Marlboro Man, the douchebag camel that used to be in the back of your Playboy smoking a Camel cigarette or Justin Long selling Macs before he was in Dodgeball.


Based on where we’ve been, who we are and who we want to be, we choose these products that we feel represent us at our best. On our good days, we are an amalgamation of slogans, logos and brands.

So, therefore, what you buy says a lot about who you are. The same holds true for your ridiculous orders at coffee shops. Rest assured that if I’m behind you in line at a Coffee Bean/Starbucks/Dunkin Donuts I will make snap judgments about you based on your order as follows:

Large Iced Coffee: You want caffeine and you want it now. Ain’t nobody got time to sit and wait for this hot cup of coffee to cool down and reach a comfortable drinking point. I want this hooked up to an IV and injected in my body at warp speeds.

Hot Coffee: You’re going to be a while. You got some time on your hands. By the time this coffee is cool enough to drink, you’ll probably be five pages into Dave Eggers or on the second revision of the first sentence of your screenplay – which sucks, by the way.

A Simple Latte or Cappuccino: Well la-ti-da Mister/Miss Fancypants. If you were really so into gourmet coffee you would have invested in your espresso machine, learned to pull some shots like a pro and didn’t even need to come in. But no, coffee shops are like board walks in the sense that they’ve become where you go to be seen doing things that people like to see people do – writing, reading, talking with friends or owning an adorable dog.

An Absurd Latte or Cappuccino That is Expressed By A Sentence-Long Order In Coffee Language: You were never a barista, still believe that you’ll find true love, live happily ever after and that Santa Clause is real. You’re probably wearing Uggz in public despite the fact that you graduated from high school with both your virginity and a new Mercedez.

Frappuccino: I hope you brought your insulin.

Macchiato: You own an art gallery or you wish you did. You’re wearing a black turtleneck despite the fact that you’re neither performing a one-man show nor are you Steve Jobs unveiling a new iPhone. You believe Basquiat is overrated and hate Damien Hirst despite the fact that you secretly wish you were him.

Americano: You’re filthy rich.

Coffee Shop Culture – Seating Arrangements

24 Jan
Gas stations for humans.

Gas stations for humans.

Coffee shops have become the opium dens taverns of a generation.

With Starbucks throwing up nine locations within a half mile of each other, and smaller, independent competitors filling up the street corners in between, its clear that consumer demand is high enough for boiled water, strained through grounded, roasted, caffeinated beans to signify that everybody and their mom has their preferred coffee serving, shop and even their favorite seat in the location.

Because coffee shops have astronomically risen in popularity, a certain culture has grown out of the thousands that flock to these watering holes.

But, where you sit at these caffeinated cantinas can say a lot about who you are.

For example, if you’re popping a squat in the back corner for five hours, we can all bet that you’re probably doing something sketchy on that massive Dell laptop. Being in the dark with only your face lit by your computer, you immediately slam your screen shut or X out of a criminalizing Google search when someone walks by to go to the bathroom. Are you looking up naked, D-List celebrities? Learning how to make a pipe bomb? Or are you just watching Two and a Half Men and you’re too ashamed to admit you’re actually a fan?

Then if seated you’re in a fine leather chair, my first instinct is to assume that you probably have the worst gas and are just using the vacuum between your jeans and the leather cushion to lock in the toxic chemistry that’s emitting from your backside. I can’t wait for you to stand up and let that poltergeist made out of coffee and banana nut muffins to slowly wander throughout the restaurant.

Leather chairs are basically the hot tubs of coffee shops – they’re only nice when you’re the only to your knowledge that has actually used it.

I don't know if this is a real picture, but I would not want to use a hot tub after Mr. Carey.

I don’t know if this is a real picture, but I would not want to use a hot tub after Mr. Carey.

And for those that are sitting outside, don’t even try to act busy. We all know you’re just having a mini, Instagram photo shoot. Good God, your iced coffee and newly designed paperback copy of Catcher In The Rye have never looked so good until under this light and with a Valencia filter. Maybe you should hire a personal photographer to take pictures of you from down the street like you’re actually important. I’m sure those posed candids will look great next to absolutely nothing on your mantle.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Oh, and you guys with your backs against the wall, your screenplay sucks and you know it.

And for you, proudly sitting in the middle with your screen up or book out in the open for everyone to read over your shoulder, you pretentious patron. Don’t look at me with contempt when you catch me reading your character’s monologue at the beginning of the second act or that you just underlined an entire page in The Sun Also Rises, you’re the one that’s letting it all out in the open. I’m just waiting in line for my extra large, triple-caramel-pump, whipped cream, non-fat latte. I need something to do between tweeting and liking all the pictures that everyone sitting outside already took.