Tag Archives: Sex

Nine Ways To Hit On Your Starbucks Barista

9 Mar
  1. Give her your business card. In this modern age networking is quickly becoming flirting and if she can’t get behind that then she shouldn’t be working at a coffee shop.
  2. “I love you. Will you marry me? No? OK I’ll have a grande, non-fat, latte with a pump of caramel … It’s a man’s drink, but you wouldn’t know, would you?”
  3. Take forever to order while saying “um” and “uh” for long periods of time. Then finally order a medium, hot coffee with nothing in it. Don’t make eye contact but when you hand her your cash, gracefully touch her hand, look up, and begin crying. This will work if you’re Ryan Gosling.
  4. Be Ryan Gosling.
  5.  “Hi. I’m ___. I feel like I’m being too forward but you seem kinda cool and I really want to get to know you more. Want to grab a cup of coffee when your shift is over? I have a nine inch penis.”
  6. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed but all my lattes are fat-free. I’m fat-free. Want some fat-free DNA?”
  7. Use ordering vocabulary as a way to make remarks about love, dating, and existentialism, such as…
    1. Can I get a latte … a latte love from you?
    2. I would like a venti, non-fat, mocha, whip, frappucinno and the key to getting into your chinos. Hi, I’m ____.
    3. I would love to eat your protein box, if you know what I mean (then wink several times so you know that they know what you mean).
  8. “… And that’s the story of the time that I saved a puppy, a kitty, and a small African boy from a burning building. What am I here for? Coffee? Oh no, that’s right … your heart. “
  9.  “Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I like to gaze out on this beautiful world through my bedroom window and just let the early morning rays fall gently upon my genitals, as if they’re being held in the warm palm of God himself. Do you like it when God cups your genitals? I’ll have a grande iced coffee.”
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Remember When I Liked You? One Man’s Guide on How Not to Get Lucky with the Ladies

16 Aug

The way that I’ve learned for my entire life has been as if I’m walking through a dark room for the first time. I bump into coffee tables, stub my toes on doorways and trip over angry cats until I’ve finally done it enough times that I understand where everything is. But, once I do that, I masochistically move on to a new room that I’ve never been in before.

This method of learning has been applied to all aspects of my development. Tying my shoes took me forever. I failed my driver’s license test a DMV record six times. And, I have yet to acquire an accurate judgment of just how broad my shoulders are (with scars to prove it) and the last time I tripped over my own two feet when I was 12, I broke my wrist – it took that long before I learned how to put one foot in front of the other.

The same has applied to those of the female persuasion. While I may not have made the rambunctious mistakes of Tucker Max and his bloated stories, I’ve made enough to realize that I am in no way good at this part of life.

In fact, I’m more or less trapped in this dark room for a long, long time.

So here’s what I’ve learned NOT to do with the ladies, hopefully this may help you more than it’s helped me:

1. Forget their birthdays:

When I was in middle school, I was “dating” this girl who had these cute big eyes and a sense of humor slightly as quirky as mine but still much more normal. She lived across town. Our communication – and subsequently, 90 percent of our relationship – consisted of 3+ hour chats on AOL Instant Messenger punctuated by dinner and chores.

Then, one day, I forgot when her birthday was.

This happened online. She flipped out. Writing in all caps. Here’s a sample of what her end of the conversation looked like:

cUtIe_PiE112389 @ 06:21 PM: wait what? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T KNOW WHEN MY BIRTHDAY IS

cUtIe_PiE112389 @ 06:21 PM: I TOLD YOU YESTERDAY AND YOU FORGOT ALREADY >O

cUtIe_PiE112389 @ 06:21 PM: YOU ARE SO STUPID NO WONDER YOUR TEACHERS HATE YOU

cUtIe_PiE112389 @ 06:22 PM: WE ARE DONE! I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE! IF YOU CARED YOU WOULD HAVE REMEMBERED

I had to excuse myself to go take the dog out.

Turns out, her birthday was in her Goddamn screenname – 11/23/89.

This incident happened in January. We met in December.

2. Fart while hooking up with ladies:

For the most part, this never ends well.

It’s never this cute.

Sexual relations are already awkward enough with the level of vulnerability and physical intimacy; don’t kill the mood by letting a strong puff of wind pass through your unclenched butthole.

This happened to me with a girl that I had been “courting” for a long time and I should have known that Mexican food was a bad idea for a dinner date.

But this particular night was going surprisingly well for how bad I am at sustaining intelligent conversation with anyone other than myself and we, somehow, found our way back to a bedroom.

I was trying to take her pants off, like a manly man, but girl jeans stick more than a bare ass on a leather seat in the middle of summer traffic and after some struggling they were caught at her ankles. I gave them the greatest heave-ho I could muster and, in the process, pushed out a massive gust of refried beans and chorizo repurposed as methane gas through my asshole that nearly shook the building.

Needless to say, I was mortified. My face was greener than the guacamole festering in my lower intestine.

Surprisingly, the girl was OK with it. She even laughed and we continued on our merry way. She’s a trooper and someone to be admired by females, as far as I’m concerned.

But then I ruined that relationship with …

3. “What do you want me to say?” You’re supposed to know that:

Pardon me for an elementary understanding of the way most women think, but in my own haphazard experience it seems as if every girl I’ve been involved with wanted me to say certain things but didn’t want me to have to ask her what those were. I was supposed to know, as if I knew exactly how the romantic-comedy in her head is supposed to end and by going off script, or asking the director (her) what my line is, I was breaching contract.

This isn’t how life works, FYI.

They don’t want to have to lead someone and hold their hand through a relationship. They want someone who will know when to be comforting, entertaining or an asshole. So looking at her confusedly and asking, “Well, what do you want me to say?” is more or less a violation of her fantasy and a surefire way to get her to second guess getting to know you.

Granted, in the defense of women, if a guy has to ask, “Well, what do you want me to say?” then he’s really only in it for one reason. Or he’s HORRIBLE at paying attention. Regardless, he still hasn’t figured out how to get out of that dark room without needing a girl to turn the lights on.

4. Go to the same bars as your ex:

This is just bad news bears waiting to happen. Not changing up your typical weekend scenery after a breakup is like taking a hot knife and poking your broken heart while pouring alcohol on it as an anesthetic.

In addition to the masochistic aspect of consistently seeing your ex across the bar all dolled up for someone other than you, you have the awkward obligation of trying to get “back on that horse,” as the men like to put it. You also have to do this while not making a drunken scene of yourself trying to lick some girls face and grind up on her on the dark and soaked dance floor.

Yeah … she’s not trying to impress YOU anymore.

All the while your ex is only 20 feet from you.

It’s a balancing act that only Russian gymnasts in Cirque du Soleil and heartless bastards can pull off.

If you end a relationship, take it as an opportunity for you and your friends to find some new bars.

5. Try to see two women at once:

It never works, Shaggy. They’ll always catch you bangin’ on the bathroom floor.

For example, I don’t know how I got into this one mess, but I was in high school and very new to the male-female-relations game. I didn’t really know the rules. I only knew that I was supposed to make them talk about themselves and be entertaining when they’re not.

Basically, The Situation was that I was seeing one girl in a more emotional and romantic aspect and another in a hormonally charged, awkward teenage sexual aspect but without the sex. I cuddled with one and made out in the back seat of my car with the other one.

Again, this happened out of pubescent ignorance. Something like, “Wait. You mean, I can do this with TWO girls but in a different way? OK!”

Long story short not only is this a moralistically horrid idea and in no way representative of anything other than the fact that I was a chauvinistic pig by ignorance, but it is guaranteed to never work when you meet both people through the same group of friends. Even if it was on separate occasions.

Word travels quick. You’ll lose some friends and feel like a retard.

 6. Get walked in on by your parents:

This just presents a number of morally awkward and compromising situations.

I wouldn’t be bragging, Dumbledore. You’re at least 300 years old.

Like, do I put my pants on first or my shirt? Do I yell, “Guess what, Dad! You’re on Punk’d!” Do I cower in fear and call her a burglar? Or do I throw the sheets at my Dad and jump out the window?

Very serious questions.

Here’s the first thing not to do: Don’t say it’s a study group when it’s July.

Second thing not to do: Don’t kick her out. She will never talk to you ever again.

—–

A wise man once said that smart people learn from their mistakes, but smarter people learn from others’.

No one told me that.