Tag Archives: science

Honey, I Shrunk The Cats

10 Apr

Now before you go freaking out and gathering up the cats and moving to your mom’s for a week, let’s sit down and talk about this. Remember the vacation we wanted? Remember the better apartment? The nicer food? The fancy rice cooker that also steams the vegetables?

We can have all that now with these tiny pygmy cats. Want to know how? Viral videos.

Imagine it honey, the internet at our fingertips. Or, better yet, the tiny little claws of not kittens, but miniature, full-grown cats, which I’ve managed to shrink through a wild series of movements including genetic mutations and gamma radiation. So, also, safety note – don’t go in the kitchen. For, like, ever.

But that’s OK because we can just get a new one without deathly levels of radiation! Just think of the number of views we’ll get with our videos. The advertising dollars and the subscribers. The talk show appearances and the merchandise. No more stopping at 225 views once all of our Twitter followers have seen them. No more twelve or less likes on Facebook. Millions. Tens and tens of millions resulting in thousands of dollars, hopefully. Maybe. Potentially. But look, you see him? He’s the same, just tiny. Like insanely small but he looks like an adult cat. How cute is this?

Imagine this cat trying to walk up stairs. Imagine it trying to chase after a laser pointer, just darting throughout the house like a cat-shaped mouse. Imagine this cat sitting in a cup instead of a cardboard box, my shirt pocket while we’re out on the town. And us filming this, all of this. These tiny cats, you see this one, too? These tiny cats are going to be the foundation of our media empire and the solution to all of our problems.

That boss you hate because he always massages your shoulders at 3pm? Gone. Forget that job. No parking spot? We’ll buy a parking lot and use it to park our cars and play with our shrunken, little, micro-cats. They act, look, and behave like normal adult cats, but by god are they tiny.

Also, imagine how many more cats we can have now that we only need to give them a quarter of the space they initially needed! We can have 75 percent more cats than before. That’s another, like, two and a half miniature cats, which exponentially increases our chances of going viral.

Listen, honey, I know this is a big change, but we can do this. We can make all this happen. Here, let me show you a chart I made.

Oh God. Oh no. Ooooh no.

I just stepped on both the cats. 


Beavers! What Are They Good For? A TEDTalk

19 Mar


Hi! Thanks for coming out to TEDxJackson Hole. How about those ski slopes? Pretty exciting. Well I’ll just get right into it.

Beavers! Man, those critters are something, aren’t they? They got giant teeth and they chew up all of one natural resource just to dam up another one like nature is some Ponzi scheme and hiking trails are their own version of Wall Street, am I right? That’s OK, just spitballin’ here.

And their fur, by God, have you worn a better hat than a beaver skin hat? My great-great-grandfather was a trapper in the Old West and when he wasn’t swilling whisky and punching women he wore a mighty beaver skin hat. I have it in my backpack. It smells like grass and bacteria.

But, all in all, what are beaver’s good for? What do they do for the human race? Many science-folk seem to think that beavers are a key part to our ecosystems, helping irrigation and creating stick piles to let us know when they’re around so we don’t get too scared like when you see a raccoon in the middle of the night and think it’s a gigantic cat or a small, fat, dog but then realize that it’s a creepy hybrid of both that has actually evolved thumbs. That shit’s terrifying.

Let’s take look at what a beaver does. Beaver’s build dams out of chewed up sticks that stop water from flowing. Why do they do that? No one really knows. Some scientists believe it’s because they have the mind of a child, constantly wanting to create the opposite of what’s happening so they can feel as though they have an effect on the world around them. Others believe it’s a reaction to the polar magnetic force and the alignment of the stars. If you look at a map of beaver dams, and a map of the stars, at some point there will be enough beaver dams and enough stars that at least one will line up. Coincidence? I think not.

Beavers also eat and mate, just like us humans. We already have enough problems to worry about our own natural resources and population issues, now we have beavers who are literally controlling our water, wood, and populating their species like they’re in an Irish-Catholic porno. They may not be able to speak human (English) but they definitely know how to speak Beaver (dialect of Canada). It’s easy to connect this to a worldwide conspiracy about how beavers are slowly controlling our natural resources to take over the world and drown us out, using genetic modification to enhance their paddle-tales to be used as both beaver-shield and beaver-weapon, but we don’t have to go there. I still have to pitch that idea to Hollywood.

All in all, beavers aren’t much good for anything and instituting an international beaver holocaust may be the best thing mankind could invent, next to the wheel and Pop Tarts. By doing so we’ll not only get back our plentiful natural resources, but also pre-emptively kill off a species that could become dominant within the next fifty years if my calculations are correct, and they always are.

So, in conclusion, beavers! What are they good for?


Coffee Shop Culture – Seating Arrangements

24 Jan
Gas stations for humans.

Gas stations for humans.

Coffee shops have become the opium dens taverns of a generation.

With Starbucks throwing up nine locations within a half mile of each other, and smaller, independent competitors filling up the street corners in between, its clear that consumer demand is high enough for boiled water, strained through grounded, roasted, caffeinated beans to signify that everybody and their mom has their preferred coffee serving, shop and even their favorite seat in the location.

Because coffee shops have astronomically risen in popularity, a certain culture has grown out of the thousands that flock to these watering holes.

But, where you sit at these caffeinated cantinas can say a lot about who you are.

For example, if you’re popping a squat in the back corner for five hours, we can all bet that you’re probably doing something sketchy on that massive Dell laptop. Being in the dark with only your face lit by your computer, you immediately slam your screen shut or X out of a criminalizing Google search when someone walks by to go to the bathroom. Are you looking up naked, D-List celebrities? Learning how to make a pipe bomb? Or are you just watching Two and a Half Men and you’re too ashamed to admit you’re actually a fan?

Then if seated you’re in a fine leather chair, my first instinct is to assume that you probably have the worst gas and are just using the vacuum between your jeans and the leather cushion to lock in the toxic chemistry that’s emitting from your backside. I can’t wait for you to stand up and let that poltergeist made out of coffee and banana nut muffins to slowly wander throughout the restaurant.

Leather chairs are basically the hot tubs of coffee shops – they’re only nice when you’re the only to your knowledge that has actually used it.

I don't know if this is a real picture, but I would not want to use a hot tub after Mr. Carey.

I don’t know if this is a real picture, but I would not want to use a hot tub after Mr. Carey.

And for those that are sitting outside, don’t even try to act busy. We all know you’re just having a mini, Instagram photo shoot. Good God, your iced coffee and newly designed paperback copy of Catcher In The Rye have never looked so good until under this light and with a Valencia filter. Maybe you should hire a personal photographer to take pictures of you from down the street like you’re actually important. I’m sure those posed candids will look great next to absolutely nothing on your mantle.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Oh, and you guys with your backs against the wall, your screenplay sucks and you know it.

And for you, proudly sitting in the middle with your screen up or book out in the open for everyone to read over your shoulder, you pretentious patron. Don’t look at me with contempt when you catch me reading your character’s monologue at the beginning of the second act or that you just underlined an entire page in The Sun Also Rises, you’re the one that’s letting it all out in the open. I’m just waiting in line for my extra large, triple-caramel-pump, whipped cream, non-fat latte. I need something to do between tweeting and liking all the pictures that everyone sitting outside already took.