Tag Archives: kittens

Honey, I Shrunk The Cats

10 Apr

Now before you go freaking out and gathering up the cats and moving to your mom’s for a week, let’s sit down and talk about this. Remember the vacation we wanted? Remember the better apartment? The nicer food? The fancy rice cooker that also steams the vegetables?

We can have all that now with these tiny pygmy cats. Want to know how? Viral videos.

Imagine it honey, the internet at our fingertips. Or, better yet, the tiny little claws of not kittens, but miniature, full-grown cats, which I’ve managed to shrink through a wild series of movements including genetic mutations and gamma radiation. So, also, safety note – don’t go in the kitchen. For, like, ever.

But that’s OK because we can just get a new one without deathly levels of radiation! Just think of the number of views we’ll get with our videos. The advertising dollars and the subscribers. The talk show appearances and the merchandise. No more stopping at 225 views once all of our Twitter followers have seen them. No more twelve or less likes on Facebook. Millions. Tens and tens of millions resulting in thousands of dollars, hopefully. Maybe. Potentially. But look, you see him? He’s the same, just tiny. Like insanely small but he looks like an adult cat. How cute is this?

Imagine this cat trying to walk up stairs. Imagine it trying to chase after a laser pointer, just darting throughout the house like a cat-shaped mouse. Imagine this cat sitting in a cup instead of a cardboard box, my shirt pocket while we’re out on the town. And us filming this, all of this. These tiny cats, you see this one, too? These tiny cats are going to be the foundation of our media empire and the solution to all of our problems.

That boss you hate because he always massages your shoulders at 3pm? Gone. Forget that job. No parking spot? We’ll buy a parking lot and use it to park our cars and play with our shrunken, little, micro-cats. They act, look, and behave like normal adult cats, but by god are they tiny.

Also, imagine how many more cats we can have now that we only need to give them a quarter of the space they initially needed! We can have 75 percent more cats than before. That’s another, like, two and a half miniature cats, which exponentially increases our chances of going viral.

Listen, honey, I know this is a big change, but we can do this. We can make all this happen. Here, let me show you a chart I made.

Oh God. Oh no. Ooooh no.

I just stepped on both the cats. 

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Martha Stewart’s Guide to Awesome Fall Decorations

13 Sep

Fall is right around the corner and in order to help all of you domestic, homely women and (I guess) men prepare for this changing of the seasons, I’m going to repost my favorite page out of Martha Stewart Living (post-hard knock life, of course) in its entirety on how to revamp your home for Autumn.

The best decordated cell behind bars. Hands down.

Greetings! As you probably know by now, it’s my favorite time of the year, second to only Christmas, Spring, Summer, Valentine’s Day and that one day each year where I commit to my annual bowel movement. That’s right – it’s Fall!

Now, every autumn is more or less the same: roasted pumpkin seeds, caramel apples and the brisk feeling in the air that you only get during the equinox and after you bury your ex-husband. But, that doesn’t mean that your house or apartment decorations have to be the same each year.

I’m a firm believer in the adage that variety is the spice of life, just like my constantly revolving rotation of formerly-convicted, female lovers. One day she could be white, the next Asian and before you know it I’m onto Latinas and even Canadians!

For this year’s fall decorations I’m going to highlight a few of my timeless favorites.

Our first is a nice floral arrangement of mums and hydrangeas planted in pots that are filled with dead kittens. These lovely fixtures look great on almost every mantle piece and on any walkway. They’re also extremely easy to make. All you have to do is beat a kitten with a Godiva chocolate bar for two hours and then place it in the pot and voila! You’re ready to decorate!

What many of you may not know is that in my spare time I like to study astrology, mostly so I know exactly when my next biannual menstruation is coming. But, my favorite lunar holiday is the Harvest Moon. This is because the Harvest Moon leads to more stillbirths than any other lunar activity, which makes for great turkey stuffing! Nothing can beat a plump, juicy turkey stuffed with sautéed infant.

You can cook up this classic Native American side dish by dicing up extra baby parts and throwing them into a cauldron with nutmeg, pumpkin spice, brown sugar and a pinch of salt. Just like grandma! Make sure you Pinterest these meals, ladies, as I’m sure they will look just elegant on a full table spread!

Turkey, prison and dead babies.

Now, my personal, fall favorite – the blackface scarecrow!

[NOTE: THE REST OF THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN REDACTED BY THE PUBLISHING COMPANY]

I hope you enjoy these fall decorating tips and remember – the family that creates together, stays together.

Oh, Martha Stewart – single-handedly inspiring one generation of good, wholesome and Xanax-dependent mothers at a time.

BABE.