Nine Ways To Hit On Your Starbucks Barista

9 Mar
  1. Give her your business card. In this modern age networking is quickly becoming flirting and if she can’t get behind that then she shouldn’t be working at a coffee shop.
  2. “I love you. Will you marry me? No? OK I’ll have a grande, non-fat, latte with a pump of caramel … It’s a man’s drink, but you wouldn’t know, would you?”
  3. Take forever to order while saying “um” and “uh” for long periods of time. Then finally order a medium, hot coffee with nothing in it. Don’t make eye contact but when you hand her your cash, gracefully touch her hand, look up, and begin crying. This will work if you’re Ryan Gosling.
  4. Be Ryan Gosling.
  5.  “Hi. I’m ___. I feel like I’m being too forward but you seem kinda cool and I really want to get to know you more. Want to grab a cup of coffee when your shift is over? I have a nine inch penis.”
  6. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed but all my lattes are fat-free. I’m fat-free. Want some fat-free DNA?”
  7. Use ordering vocabulary as a way to make remarks about love, dating, and existentialism, such as…
    1. Can I get a latte … a latte love from you?
    2. I would like a venti, non-fat, mocha, whip, frappucinno and the key to getting into your chinos. Hi, I’m ____.
    3. I would love to eat your protein box, if you know what I mean (then wink several times so you know that they know what you mean).
  8. “… And that’s the story of the time that I saved a puppy, a kitty, and a small African boy from a burning building. What am I here for? Coffee? Oh no, that’s right … your heart. “
  9.  “Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I like to gaze out on this beautiful world through my bedroom window and just let the early morning rays fall gently upon my genitals, as if they’re being held in the warm palm of God himself. Do you like it when God cups your genitals? I’ll have a grande iced coffee.”

4 Responses to “Nine Ways To Hit On Your Starbucks Barista”

  1. Adventures in Kevin's World March 17, 2014 at 4:05 pm #

    That was a great lunch break laugh. THANKS!

  2. openbookifyouknowhowtoreadme March 18, 2014 at 4:12 pm #

    That is Dumb. no offence but I am a female and if you said any of those things to me I would probably tell you, when I’m off the clock so I don’t lose my job, to stick your comment where the sun don’t shine. Hate to tell you but the odds of any of these working are slim. If they work well hell she is probably a skank anyway.

  3. klausycat March 18, 2014 at 4:18 pm #

    4, 5, 6 & 7.3 my goodness!!! This whole post really had me laughing the entire time. MUCH needed so I thank you!

  4. Little Miss Menopause March 21, 2014 at 1:33 am #

    How do some people come to a humor blog and take it seriously? This was hysterical.

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