Honey, I Shrunk The Cats

10 Apr

Now before you go freaking out and gathering up the cats and moving to your mom’s for a week, let’s sit down and talk about this. Remember the vacation we wanted? Remember the better apartment? The nicer food? The fancy rice cooker that also steams the vegetables?

We can have all that now with these tiny pygmy cats. Want to know how? Viral videos.

Imagine it honey, the internet at our fingertips. Or, better yet, the tiny little claws of not kittens, but miniature, full-grown cats, which I’ve managed to shrink through a wild series of movements including genetic mutations and gamma radiation. So, also, safety note – don’t go in the kitchen. For, like, ever.

But that’s OK because we can just get a new one without deathly levels of radiation! Just think of the number of views we’ll get with our videos. The advertising dollars and the subscribers. The talk show appearances and the merchandise. No more stopping at 225 views once all of our Twitter followers have seen them. No more twelve or less likes on Facebook. Millions. Tens and tens of millions resulting in thousands of dollars, hopefully. Maybe. Potentially. But look, you see him? He’s the same, just tiny. Like insanely small but he looks like an adult cat. How cute is this?

Imagine this cat trying to walk up stairs. Imagine it trying to chase after a laser pointer, just darting throughout the house like a cat-shaped mouse. Imagine this cat sitting in a cup instead of a cardboard box, my shirt pocket while we’re out on the town. And us filming this, all of this. These tiny cats, you see this one, too? These tiny cats are going to be the foundation of our media empire and the solution to all of our problems.

That boss you hate because he always massages your shoulders at 3pm? Gone. Forget that job. No parking spot? We’ll buy a parking lot and use it to park our cars and play with our shrunken, little, micro-cats. They act, look, and behave like normal adult cats, but by god are they tiny.

Also, imagine how many more cats we can have now that we only need to give them a quarter of the space they initially needed! We can have 75 percent more cats than before. That’s another, like, two and a half miniature cats, which exponentially increases our chances of going viral.

Listen, honey, I know this is a big change, but we can do this. We can make all this happen. Here, let me show you a chart I made.

Oh God. Oh no. Ooooh no.

I just stepped on both the cats. 


Are Kale Chips Good? And Other Questions You’ll Ask Yourself While High at Trader Joe’s

27 Mar


1. Why do Hawaiian shirts look so busy?

2. Is flax seed good for me? Do I need more flax seed? What is flax seed?


4. Nice calf tat? Maybe? I don’t know anymore.

5. Can I eat nine of these samples?

6. How do you measure a handful of nuts? What if I have large hands? What if I I’m a midget? Should these handfuls be like rubber gloves in different sizes? I don’t even like nuts.

7. What is speculous and why is it so good?

8. Can I put speculous on this frozen pizza?

9.  Why is chocolate in this beer?

10. How does non-dairy butter exist and who would buy this?

11. Why is everyone running?

12. Why are my feet wet?

13. Is someone giving birth?

14.  How do you drop that much pasta sauce?

Beavers! What Are They Good For? A TEDTalk

19 Mar


Hi! Thanks for coming out to TEDxJackson Hole. How about those ski slopes? Pretty exciting. Well I’ll just get right into it.

Beavers! Man, those critters are something, aren’t they? They got giant teeth and they chew up all of one natural resource just to dam up another one like nature is some Ponzi scheme and hiking trails are their own version of Wall Street, am I right? That’s OK, just spitballin’ here.

And their fur, by God, have you worn a better hat than a beaver skin hat? My great-great-grandfather was a trapper in the Old West and when he wasn’t swilling whisky and punching women he wore a mighty beaver skin hat. I have it in my backpack. It smells like grass and bacteria.

But, all in all, what are beaver’s good for? What do they do for the human race? Many science-folk seem to think that beavers are a key part to our ecosystems, helping irrigation and creating stick piles to let us know when they’re around so we don’t get too scared like when you see a raccoon in the middle of the night and think it’s a gigantic cat or a small, fat, dog but then realize that it’s a creepy hybrid of both that has actually evolved thumbs. That shit’s terrifying.

Let’s take look at what a beaver does. Beaver’s build dams out of chewed up sticks that stop water from flowing. Why do they do that? No one really knows. Some scientists believe it’s because they have the mind of a child, constantly wanting to create the opposite of what’s happening so they can feel as though they have an effect on the world around them. Others believe it’s a reaction to the polar magnetic force and the alignment of the stars. If you look at a map of beaver dams, and a map of the stars, at some point there will be enough beaver dams and enough stars that at least one will line up. Coincidence? I think not.

Beavers also eat and mate, just like us humans. We already have enough problems to worry about our own natural resources and population issues, now we have beavers who are literally controlling our water, wood, and populating their species like they’re in an Irish-Catholic porno. They may not be able to speak human (English) but they definitely know how to speak Beaver (dialect of Canada). It’s easy to connect this to a worldwide conspiracy about how beavers are slowly controlling our natural resources to take over the world and drown us out, using genetic modification to enhance their paddle-tales to be used as both beaver-shield and beaver-weapon, but we don’t have to go there. I still have to pitch that idea to Hollywood.

All in all, beavers aren’t much good for anything and instituting an international beaver holocaust may be the best thing mankind could invent, next to the wheel and Pop Tarts. By doing so we’ll not only get back our plentiful natural resources, but also pre-emptively kill off a species that could become dominant within the next fifty years if my calculations are correct, and they always are.

So, in conclusion, beavers! What are they good for?


Your Post-Grad Depression Is Real And Other Things Your Teachers Never Taught You

12 Mar
  1. Remember how you used to make fun of the kid who would have anxiety attacks in fifth grade? That’ll happen to you, alone, in your apartment, while eating Greek yogurt.
  2. You will finally understand the difference between “being alone” and “being lonely” and regard it as horseshit.
  3. You will realize that you probably eat more hair than you would imagine.
  4. It will amaze you just how angry you can become at the idea of lines.
  5. You will continue to have a love/hate relationship with sharing, using it mostly just for when it benefits you.
  6. Traffic will make you grind your teeth and your dentist will be unsympathetic.
  7. Grocery stores will induce headaches, anxiety, and potentially panic attacks.
  8. Sympathy will make you feel nostalgic.
  9. Sex will be like Christmas – only once in a while, with great effort, and little reward.
  10. The idea of “being OK with yourself” will become a goal set by you and your therapist, who’s time you spend with each other will mean more than your closest friends.
  11. You will test your liver, time and time again; more than you ever thought you would have in college.
  12. Drugs? Yes. And by drugs I mean caffeine and whatever hormone gets released when you’re five glasses of wine deep, binging on Netlfix, and cuddling with your Maine Coon cat named Persephone because that Greek mythology class has to be good for something.
  13. Much like an orgasm, you’ll know what a panic attack is when you have one and be able to recount each individual one with clarity. Both orgasm and panic attack. 

Because, America

9 Mar

During the late 17th century – when America was just a primordial soup of ambition, industry, and socially accepted racism – the taverns and speakeasies were where merchants, craftsmen, and lawmakers could mingle and get hammered together in one, democratized, place of libations and liberation. Why? Many say because the water was so bad they could only drink beer and whiskey. I say … because, America. Why else would you get day-drunk, debate politics with America’s elite, and then go home and sleep on a straw mattress in a chastity blanket?

Then what happened? This primordial soup of intangible elements became a Goddamn nation that spans an entire continent. And what did we do? We made a series of National Parks where we set aside massive tracts of land for the conservation and enjoyment of Americans, past, present, and future. All Americans. In every state. Every single one of us is a part owner of every National Park, which is like being born owning one piece of stock in a company that doesn’t make any money but has a nice office with a sweet view and free coffee. Why did we create this? Because, America. 

What’s the next step? You got it! An American-themed tavern inside the best of all the National Parks – Yosemite. This tavern will be called nothing other than AMERICA! Why? Because, America!

At AMERICA! not only will you find beer, cocktails, and spirits from the late 19th century, which will include their racist, anti-Semitic, and misogynistic labels, but there will also be Bald Eagles fucking, excessive amounts of bacon fat, and actual racism. Why? Because, America.

In addition, AMERICA! will feature the beliefs of recycling, decomposition, and conservation that were held by business owners during the late 19th century. Therefore, there will be no garbage bags or trashcans to stink up the place and get in your way. Nor will you be burdened with the confusing idea of “recycling.” Instead, you can feel free to litter the surrounding meadows of Yosemite National Park with all your trash. Freedom is imperative to America and, therefore, freeing yourself of any environmental responsibilities is imperative to AMERICA! Why? Because, America.

Also, at AMERICA! we won’t serve anyone if they aren’t wealthy, white, and good looking. No fatties allowed, unless you’re a totally awesome, rich, white dude like co-owner Guy Fierri who may or may not live in AMERICA! with his pet mountain lion, Susan. AMERICA! will also provide a plethora of televisions playing popular American sports so you may drink old drinks and yell at television screens with other like-minded men. Wealthy, attractive, and white women may be permitted inside AMERICA! but will not be allowed to form opinions unless otherwise granted permission to but never to be taken seriously. This can also be done on the grounds that they are doing it to be “cute.” Why? Because, America.

So enjoy the pristine shit in Yosemite Valley and then get rightfully hammered with your fellow American man at AMERICA! where you can shoot animals from the comfort of our own bar like a real red-blooded American is born with the right to do. We’ll supply the guns and ammo, you supply the balls. Why are we offering this pleasure? You guessed it. Because, America.

Now mount up, spit that tobacco juice out of your mouth, and haul your pickup truck into the High Sierras for some good old fashioned, American fun in the woods – no homo. Why Yosemite? Why not in a real city? Why so unnecessarily aggressive? Why now? 

Because, America. 

Nine Ways To Hit On Your Starbucks Barista

9 Mar
  1. Give her your business card. In this modern age networking is quickly becoming flirting and if she can’t get behind that then she shouldn’t be working at a coffee shop.
  2. “I love you. Will you marry me? No? OK I’ll have a grande, non-fat, latte with a pump of caramel … It’s a man’s drink, but you wouldn’t know, would you?”
  3. Take forever to order while saying “um” and “uh” for long periods of time. Then finally order a medium, hot coffee with nothing in it. Don’t make eye contact but when you hand her your cash, gracefully touch her hand, look up, and begin crying. This will work if you’re Ryan Gosling.
  4. Be Ryan Gosling.
  5.  “Hi. I’m ___. I feel like I’m being too forward but you seem kinda cool and I really want to get to know you more. Want to grab a cup of coffee when your shift is over? I have a nine inch penis.”
  6. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed but all my lattes are fat-free. I’m fat-free. Want some fat-free DNA?”
  7. Use ordering vocabulary as a way to make remarks about love, dating, and existentialism, such as…
    1. Can I get a latte … a latte love from you?
    2. I would like a venti, non-fat, mocha, whip, frappucinno and the key to getting into your chinos. Hi, I’m ____.
    3. I would love to eat your protein box, if you know what I mean (then wink several times so you know that they know what you mean).
  8. “… And that’s the story of the time that I saved a puppy, a kitty, and a small African boy from a burning building. What am I here for? Coffee? Oh no, that’s right … your heart. “
  9.  “Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I like to gaze out on this beautiful world through my bedroom window and just let the early morning rays fall gently upon my genitals, as if they’re being held in the warm palm of God himself. Do you like it when God cups your genitals? I’ll have a grande iced coffee.”

My Induction Speech To The Web Content Hall of Fame

10 Feb

Thank you! Thank you so much! To be honest, I didn’t write anything because, firstly this isn’t the internet and secondly, I thought I would lose to Craig over at Horizons Marketing for their excellent series of client profiles. Really beautiful work, Craig. Very powerful.

But, I suppose I can pull myself together. I would like to thank my editors, Brendan and Chad, for doing everything they can to hold me to the level of standards that all us content writers – nay, writers – should hold ourselves to. Without them, all my keywords would be misplaced and SEO poorly optimized.

I also want to thank my many co-writers, without whom this would be impossible. Simply speaking, if it weren’t for you guys, I would literally be too burdened with work to do anything worthwhile. So, thank you, for spreading out the workload and making those 3,000 words per day much more doable. Like a pack of typing jackasses slowly but surely making our way down the Grand Canyon of Google Search Monopoly.

I would also like to thank the sales force behind us at SEO And Beyond, without you relentlessly targeting the vast corners of the internet, shooting blindly into the pits of Web 1.0, the bottom ranks of the Better Business Bureau, and general Craigslist advertisements, we wouldn’t get the half-witted, backwards, clients we have now. Without our clients’ utter ignorance of the modern World Wide Web, your barrage of Google search engine metrics, keywords, and juiced up statistics would be useless. But, instead, you bring us the ATM resellers, court reporter firms, industrial-size sign fabricators, and label printing technology manufacturers day in and day out. You’ve forced me to expand my mind and challenge my skills to create custom content, every day, to suit the needs of industries that no person with free will would ever choose to work in. And for that, we thank you.

And, before I leave this podium in the back of the Logan Airport Hilton’s Ballroom C, I want to thank our social media crew, who so endlessly automate all our client’s blogs with their social media so that most of their day is spent watching as everything updates itself. There’s a certain amount of ambition one needs to accomplish something so lazy. I admire your laisez-faire approach to this abyss of opportunity, failure, defeat, and success we call the internet. You simply throw our hard work into the ether and wait for the anonymous masses to respond – with malice or love – and inform us that we “have no idea what we’re talking about.” 

It’s a brave, bold, and exciting time in the days of multimedia. A time when even the most unqualified individual can gain critical attention with just a few keenly placed keywords and a high-rate backlink. A time where all content writers, not just me, can shine like the artisans we are.

Thank you and good night!