Now before you go freaking out and gathering up the cats and moving to your mom’s for a week, let’s sit down and talk about this. Remember the vacation we wanted? Remember the better apartment? The nicer food? The fancy rice cooker that also steams the vegetables?
We can have all that now with these tiny pygmy cats. Want to know how? Viral videos.
Imagine it honey, the internet at our fingertips. Or, better yet, the tiny little claws of not kittens, but miniature, full-grown cats, which I’ve managed to shrink through a wild series of movements including genetic mutations and gamma radiation. So, also, safety note – don’t go in the kitchen. For, like, ever.
But that’s OK because we can just get a new one without deathly levels of radiation! Just think of the number of views we’ll get with our videos. The advertising dollars and the subscribers. The talk show appearances and the merchandise. No more stopping at 225 views once all of our Twitter followers have seen them. No more twelve or less likes on Facebook. Millions. Tens and tens of millions resulting in thousands of dollars, hopefully. Maybe. Potentially. But look, you see him? He’s the same, just tiny. Like insanely small but he looks like an adult cat. How cute is this?
Imagine this cat trying to walk up stairs. Imagine it trying to chase after a laser pointer, just darting throughout the house like a cat-shaped mouse. Imagine this cat sitting in a cup instead of a cardboard box, my shirt pocket while we’re out on the town. And us filming this, all of this. These tiny cats, you see this one, too? These tiny cats are going to be the foundation of our media empire and the solution to all of our problems.
That boss you hate because he always massages your shoulders at 3pm? Gone. Forget that job. No parking spot? We’ll buy a parking lot and use it to park our cars and play with our shrunken, little, micro-cats. They act, look, and behave like normal adult cats, but by god are they tiny.
Also, imagine how many more cats we can have now that we only need to give them a quarter of the space they initially needed! We can have 75 percent more cats than before. That’s another, like, two and a half miniature cats, which exponentially increases our chances of going viral.
Listen, honey, I know this is a big change, but we can do this. We can make all this happen. Here, let me show you a chart I made.
Oh God. Oh no. Ooooh no.
I just stepped on both the cats.